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The Hugh Jampton Experience

The end of an era, so sanity is getting...nearer...

Well here we all are again. Lurking around the bottom (Ohhhhh! - ED) of Foundation RISCWorld. There are actually going to be a few changes in this issue's column. I know I have been saying that for ages, but this time I really almost mean it. One of these changes is that a goodly part of this issues "magnum arsus" has been written by our looney (surely, loyal? - ED) readers. This helps me a great deal. Someone else does all the work and I keep the money. Perhaps I should get a job in a bank? Just call me Fred Jampton from now on.

Anyway before we get to take a look at the stunningly tedious changes that have been made we do need to revisit one old faithful. The much despised and derided Hugh Jamptom Caption Competition. or to give it it's full technical title ONNTRA. As we all know this is short for "Oh no not that rubbish again". Well tough, lets get on with that rubbish...

The caption competition

As your meals on wheel lady should be able to remind you I published this in the previous column:

I then asked all you readers to come up with a suitable caption that was fit to actually be published. So what submissions did we receive?

So there you have it. One entry received. As you can imagine this made choosing the winner somewhat easier. So after careful deliberation we have decided that John is a narrow winner. He will be sent one of the special APDL £10 discount vouchers which will allow him to either obtain any APDL, iSV Products or Proaction software title up to the value of £10. Or he can choose to use the voucher towards the purchase of a more expensive software title. John should be receiving his voucher any month soon. In keeping with the APDL security policy the voucher will be hand delivered by hand in a specially designed second hand dog eared envelope. All vouchers expire the day before they are received.

Now do you remember the start of this article? No. Well then I will remind you. I said that there would be some changes. The first of these is that we are finally putting the Caption Competition out of it's misery. Yes it's no more. The vet did his best, but in the end it was the only sensible thing to do.

So what's going to take it's place? Well I'm not sure. For this issue, though, I will be printing all the rubbish that's been sent in by my usually sedated readers. starting with something from Chris Newman...

Dear Hugh
Thought this might amuse.....
 
How to complain to the police
 
This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written?..
Chris Newman

"Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain your obedient servant
Yours Mr ??????"

"Dear Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards PC ??????
Community Beat Officer"

"Dear PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards ?????????
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact!!!"

Yes, well that's pretty good. I wonder if it worked? Somehow I doubt it. For those that aren't aware the Police are immune to sarcasm. Indeed you could even argue that they are immune to prosecution!

As well as receiving the letter from Chris Newman, TOMS also wrote to me...

Dear Hugh, I don't know where the attached newspaper headline came from, they were forwarded by a contact.
Are they of any interest?
Regards
T.O.M.S.

Oh yes, they certainly are of interest. Would you, the reader, like to see these real headlines? Oh, alright, here you go...

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

As well as TOMS and Chris Newman I also got a letter from someone calling themselves Robin Barnyard, sorry Bernard, Bernard Barnyard...

Dear Hugh,
Yes I know It's me again and while I shudder at the thought at what the poor readers of this column may think, of what, are now my frequent contributions, I must nevertheless set some records straight.
As you will remember I took some delight in mentioning how some companies, particularly RISCOS Ltd, still had not got with the times and sold through the internet and that RISCOS Ltd would only take an order via fax.
And where may you ask did I get this 100% set in stone concrete verified fact from?
Yes, you guessed it - that selfsame Internet.
Because, shame upon shame, I read the RISCOS Ltd web site and assumed (more on this later) that just because it had a PDF to fax as the only visible method of ordering that this was the only way of ordering.
Of course I could have completely avoided any embarrassment for myself, no matter how much I may deserve it by simply dropping RISCOS Ltd a line.
And of course after sending off my rather vitriolic email to you, I sent a much more conventional one to them and of course, absolutely no prizes for guessing that they would take credit card orders over the phone, well of course I made my order and everything - but that is not the point.
The point is I made a wild and unverified assumption on the basis of what I saw on the internet.
Oh yes what a paragon of virtue and fact the internet is. Oh indeed how I worship the church of wikipedia the font and source of all worthwhile knowledge.
And to add insult to injury I had the temerity to make my wild and unverified assumption in such a manner that I am sure not only has the bridge been burned but there is also absolutely no chance of it being built again.
So what can I say, that I was young, that I was foolish, that I was old that I was tired?
No - I was an ass and I am sorry to say Hugh that I made a ass out of you and me - you see thats where "assume" comes from.
So sorry for that and sorry to RISCOS Ltd as well - I therefore nominate myself for "worst customer of the bi-month" and "the biggest tool in the box"
As for the rest, yes I'd only be too delighted to send you in a witty caption every month, perhaps that would be better. I am sorry to hear that no-one else wants to write in, but maybe my last letter might have changed that and you have been met by some compliant readers! And honestly you must know the first rule of secret initiations is to not talk about secret initiations (or was that "fight club"?) so by having mentioned what the initiation is it obviously cant be that or it would not be a secret would it - its far better just to mention there is one and whoever will find out the hard way what it is! Anyway here we go with my one and only attempt at a caption this time, in a vain attempt to try and regain some measure of respectability I have injected it with too much wordiness and pseudo intellectual stuff.
"After nearly 5 years and several million pounds over budget the first day at Heathrows new runway does not exactly start off in the best way"
That's it for now - I just have to stand in a corner and say around 10,000 hail marys now...
Maybe the next issue of FRISCWORLD will be out by the time I finish...
Robin Barnard

Yes...perhaps this issue will come out by the time you have finished. (As an additional penance I have forced Robin, at twiglet point, to right an article for this issue - ED). Out of interest did you bother to actually complete your secret initiation, as suggested in last issue. To remind you it was to run into a lamppost 50 times shouting "Where's my copy of Qercus". I should point out that this wasn't a genuine secret initiation ceremony. I just wanted to see what a real twit looked like.

Anyway the simple point is that you can't believe everything you read on the Internet. Let me rephrase that. You can't believe anything you read on the Internet, unless you wrote it yourself, or you know the person well enough that they can brush their teeth in the bathroom whilst you are on the toilet. Even then you need to take it with a pinch of salt (Ouch - ED).

Right, that's the lot. Oh, not quite. I have one last change to announce in this column...

I can't be bothered to do the photo bit. Bye!

All complaints about the Hugh Jampton column should be sent to the CJE Micros overcharging unit..

Hugh Jampton